I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
