I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
