When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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