apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Boobs speak an international language.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
