it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
