If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
