but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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