That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
