i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
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If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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