My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
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he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
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I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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