Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
