he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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