I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
