You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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