I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
