I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Houston, we have a blender
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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