my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
