Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
