What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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