I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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