You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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