at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
