Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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