ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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