my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
