i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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