I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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