Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
