I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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