Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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