Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
