Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
