Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
