first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
