I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
