btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i think i just lost a toe
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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