I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
