I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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