My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
