What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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