If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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