Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
