This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
