ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
