Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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