I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
