dude i'm inner monologue high
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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