so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
