True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
