when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
