If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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