I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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