there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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