you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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