i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
