Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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