I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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