Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
