Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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