ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
