apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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